Melancholia / The End

After we got our bad news at 11w5d, I mourned and then sprung into action.  I read all about omphaloceles and the syndromes associated with them.  I researched surgical options and looked at which hospitals and surgeons had experience.  I was going to everything in my power to protect that little one.

When people who knew what was going on asked me how I was doing, I was honest—for the first time since I got pregnant I was actually happy-ish.  I chocked it up to the fact that I had been so certain something terrible was going to happen that when it actually did, I was ready for it.  (If you’ve seen the movie Melancholia, the premise is that Kirstin Dunst’s character is suffering from severe depression, but is better able to handle really bad news—I won’t ruin the ending—than others around her.  The director, Lars Von Trier, has acknowledged that he suffered from depression, and the movie is based on his insight that depressed people have a tendency to remain peaceful during catastrophic events.  I thought maybe something like that was going on with me.)

So, on the day of our 12w6d follow-up appointment, I was ready.  We were meeting with a doctor with a background in genetic issues, we were meeting with the geneticist, and we were also going to meet with a fetal cardiologist (?!)  I had a list of questions a page long.

Our appointment ended up being pretty quick.  The sonographer started and I saw it right away—no heartbeat.  I said, “there’s no heartbeat.”  It was the first appointment when I expected a heartbeat, but it wasn’t there.  She started stuttering and jumped out of the chair saying she had to get the doctor.  (I did not hear her acknowledge there was no heartbeat, but my husband said she did.)  The doctor confirmed it—baby’s heartbeat stopped sometime last week, probably just a day or two after our last appointment.  The doctor asked if I noticed the cessation of pregnancy symptoms and I said no.  But I reflected later—I finally started to feel happy / hopeful right around the time she passed away.  I wonder if that was that mother’s intuition that I’ve been talking so much about.  I was so, so sad/scared for so long, and then when she was gone I felt at peace. 

Because of her position, we did not get any further information.  And we did not end up doing the CVS either.  Instead, I am going to have a D&C and we are going to send a tissue sample out and see if we get any further information.  (Was it a chromosomal issue, a syndrome, a diagnosable genetic issue?)  I’m not sure what we’re going to do with that information, though.  There’s nothing that can be done to help this pregnancy, and we’re done.

We still have 2 embryos left, but we’re not planning to try again.  This has taken every last bit of what I have out of me, and then some more.  I know I said “no embryos left behind,” but that was before we had two pregnancies that had severe and rare genetic issues…. and 7 other pregnancy failures.  I can’t put myself through any more cycles, and I have no confidence that if we even tried again it would work.  I’m going to move forward with my life and celebrate the one healthy little guy I do have.  

I did a bit more research, so I will make a few more posts in the next few weeks just to put what I have out there in case it can be helpful to anyone else.

I’d like to thank all of my online friends for their support.  As I lamented throughout this process, there were lots of times that things felt too heavy to discuss with my friends/family, who really don’t understand anyway.  It was nice to have little nudges of support.  It really meant a lot to me, especially during some very dark times.  (Special thanks to Emily, DublinerinDeutschland, Lauree and Mike, Melissa, and Unknown.)  I wish all of you the very best.