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Today was very surreal.  We’ll see where this journey takes us, but in the short term I think I might have to leave a note for myself on my nightstand so I don’t get confused when I wake up and assume I just dreamt all of this: “This is not a dream.  You really did get pregnant naturally at 39, after 10 years of infertility and more than half a dozen failed fertility treatments.”

I went in for an ultrasound today to make sure this is not another ectopic pregnancy.  (The only availability my doc’s office had was in one of its exurb-ian clinics, so I had to drive my ass into the middle of nowhere.  Uuuunnnggggghhhh I forgot how annoying this whole process is.)  The ultrasound tech was NOT friendly, and was not amused by my adorable shot-gun style of questioning.  But I did manage to jot down a few things I saw on the screen/squeezed out of her:

1)      The embryo is almost certainly not in my tube or anywhere else it shouldn’t be.  We saw it right there on the monitor.  (Apparently there’s still a small risk it’s in the wrong place?)

2)      We saw a gestational sac (7mm) and yolk sac (2mm).  We did not see an embryo but apparently that’s to be expected at this early stage.

3)      They have me dated as 5w2d pregnant, based on those measurements.  I was told that the embryo size is a far better predictor of gestational age than gestational/yolk sac, so that could be adjusted if/when we see an embryo.  (Based on my last period, I think I technically am closer to 5w5d.)  Obviously I would have previously freaked out about my dating being off, but now I’m like, whatever!

4)      The ultrasound tech was not impressed that I am not taking folic acid, considering my history.  She has a child with a neural tube defect (spina bifida, he’s 24).  What can I do?!—I was drinking craft cocktails less than 48 hours ago!  I think folic acid is the least of my worries.

Then, later that afternoon, I hauled my ass over to my OBGYN’s office.  After an extensive wait in the lobby (uuunnnggggghhhh) and examining room (uuunnnggggghhhh), I finally saw my doctor.  Here are her thoughts:

1)      Based on my history, there are reasons to be concerned.  (No shit.)  But she would be “cautiously optimistic.”  I was like, “that’s nice, now let’s talk reality.”  But she was slippery and wouldn’t let me pin her down on my chances of success, other than to say she wishes we could just fast forward through the first trimester.  And through the 20 week ultrasound that shows structural abnormalities.  Nice.

2)      There is a grape-sized cyst on my ovary.  It’s not “normal,” but not entirely abnormal for “pre-menopausal women.”  That was the one comment that threw me—“I’m pre-menopausal!??!!?”  Her response, “yes, because you haven’t gone through menopause.”  Oh!  Whooh!  Maybe that needs to be called something else.  Anyway,old me would have spent the next 16 hours becoming one of the world’s most well-read amateur scholars on ovarian cysts.  New me?  Ate three mint Milano cookies and read some YA.

3)      The doc’s biggest short-term worry was my risk for neural tube defects and lack of folic acid supplementation.  She was like, “walk, don’t run, to fill this prescription for a high dose of folic acid.”  I didn’t have a chance to fill the Rx, so I sent my hubs to the pharmacy to buy a jug of folic acid tablets and have now taken a large handful of them.  (If I overdose and die, this blog post is the evidence that it was not an intentional suicide.)

4)      Final observation, being under the care of a regular old OB instead of a fertility doctor is amazing!  

a.      I told her I was planning to run a marathon in 3 weeks.  She was like, “cool, have fun!”  I cannot stop laughing thinking how my fertility doctor would react if I told him, just after confirming my pregnancy, that I planned on going out for an easy nbd 26.2 mile run.  He would have FREAKED OUT.  Bigly.

b.      I am most certainly not under a microscope. I requested a follow-up HCG test tomorrow (to see if it was doubling) and she was like, “no.  I have what I need on the ultrasound.  It won’t tell us anything more than this.  We just have to wait.  No need to get stressed out.”  Ok then.

c.      …but I am still a super duper high-risk patient.  So I’m going to do a follow-up ultrasound in a week and a half (there should be an embryo and a heartbeat).  Assuming that’s okay, I’m going to do a Harmony test (tests for normal chromosome count) at 10 weeks.  Then a level 2 ultrasound at 12 weeks.  Then an AFP test (neural tube) at 15 weeks.  Then a second level 2 ultrasound at around 20 weeks.  Good times.

So, what do I think?  I think the chances are better than not that this does not work out.  But I’m not saying that from any sense of “mother’s intuition” or anything I’m feeling.  We have just had so many things go wrong.  The odds are definitely against us.  And while I don’t doubt I’ll be sad if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be okay.  Better than okay.  But the longer this goes and the more emotionally invested I get, the harder it’s going to be.  SO, at least until the AFP test at 15 weeks, I am not putting any emotional energy into it.  I mean, I’ll take my vitamins/super dose of folic acid, and I won’t drink or do any heavy drugs (such a sacrifice!), but I am not going to give up my life hoping this works.  I mean, I’m running a marathon in 3 ½ weeks!