Knock knock knockin’ on my uterine wall

Had an appointment with my OB this week.  It wasn’t just a heartbeat check (although it’s still there—whooh!).  She also checked me for other things, including some additional STDs.  (I’m not super worried about STDs!)  From my last pregnancy, I know I’m not a carrier for cystic fibrosis.  But now they can also test for fragile X and another degenerative muscle condition.  (Science—it’s amazing!)  So we’re going to do that non-invasive testing as well.

She asked if I had any plans for travel, and I mentioned the family had plans to go to Costa Rica for spring break, but now I was not going.  She asked if hubby was still going, and I said that’s the plan!  Then she said if he does, we can’t have unprotected sex for 6 months.  Whaaa?  Apparently zika can be passed via seminal fluids (but not saliva).  So I was like, okay, I understand why no unprotected sex while I’m pregnant, but that would only be for 2 months after he gets back.  Then she said that even after baby is born, doctors are worried zika could be transmitted via breast milk!!  (Apparently zika has been detected in breast milk, although there are no confirmed cases of zika being passed via breastmilk.  https://wwwnc.cdc.gov/eid/article/23/5/16-1538_article  She said that the information on this is still evolving.  I checked the CDC’s website, and it just says use condoms during the pregnancy.)  Also, she said t of people with zika don’t have any symptoms, so it’s not like we would necessarily know if hubby had contracted it.  Then she said even if zika’s not passed via breastmilk, there’s a risk of other issues from infection, such as Guilain-Barre (temporary paralysis (!!)).  So she was like, you should definitely not go (I wasn’t planning on it!) and no unprotected sex because even if the chance is low, the risk is something really bad.  She did mention that there are potential options to work with the CDC to get tested.  So, in theory, hubby could try to see if he’s been infected.  (https://www.cdc.gov/zika/laboratories/index.html)

I was embarrassed, but I had to ask—does that mean no oral sex either?  She said she just had an awkward conversation with another patient on this same issue and the answer is no oral sex either.

So then I started getting worried—should my son/hubby not go?  Are they at risk for terrible things??  She said that other than the temporary paralysis (!!), there’s no risk to them.  (And I’ve been reading about it since then, the risk of infection/paralysis appears pretty low.  Only two people in all of Costa Rica have had Guilain-Barre potentially related to zika, and the infection rate in Costa Rica now is less than 100 a week.  http://www2.paho.org/hq/index.php?option=com_docman&task=doc_view&gid=35222&Itemid=270&lang=en)

So I let hubby know, and we have to discuss further.  I think the risks are so low, he should still go.  The condom thing is annoying, but it’s not like we were going to be having tons of sex from 7 months pregnant to 4 months post-pregnancy, right??

I also got weighed at the doctor’s office.  I’m about 10 lbs up from when I got pregnant, but I’m STILL lighter than I was when I first got pregnant with my son… although not for much longer.  (I was marathon training when I got pregnant this time—skinny minny!)  I’m gaining weight at about the same rate as I did with my son (I’m an early weight gainer), and I gained 35 with him.  So I’m not worried… but I’m paying attention.

I have been exercising 5-6 times a week, though, doing swimming, running, and yoga.  Although I’ve been tired, I was able to exercise normally through the first trimester.  I’ve been slowing down recently, though.  I have a 5k fun run in a little over a week and a swim meet the day after.  That will be my last set of races for the season—the doctors I talked to suggested that competition is fine until about 20 weeks, and then you should take things a little easier.  (Although Olympian Dana Volmer swam a blazing 50m time in a meet at 27 weeks.  http://olympics.nbcsports.com/2017/04/14/dana-vollmer-swim-meet-pregnant-mesa/)

No big surprise, I’m starting to get a bump.  (That 10lbs had to go somewhere!)  Last week, a friend was teasing me that, after 3 kids, she looks more pregnant than I do at 15+ weeks.  And when I saw my family at Thanksgiving, they were like, look at your teeny tiny tummy!  By the end of the weekend, though, they were like where did that come from??  (Turkey and stuffing!)  And when I got back to work, my friend was like, you popped!  So I’m not sure how much longer I can get away with not being obviously pregnant.  I was hoping to make it to 20 weeks.  Tomorrow is 17, so can I make it 3 more weeks??

Another fun thing—I’ve started to feel flutters!  Right around 15 weeks I felt some teeny little scratches.  So I was not surprised we had a heartbeat at 15 ½ weeks.  But then I felt nothing for several days and started to get nervous.  And then right around 16 ½ weeks I felt some little bubbles again.  Since then, I’ve felt little flutters now and again.  I love it!!

The other fun thing—telling people!!  When we first told people, it was “we’re pregnant, it probably won’t work out.”  Their response was, of course, “oh, I’m so sorry.  I’m thinking of you.”  Then it was, “we’re pregnant, it might not work out.”  And then the response was, “oh, I hope it works.  I’m thinking of you.” “Now it’s just “WE’RE PREGNANT!!!!”  And the reactions are totally amazing.  One friend cried, one said she almost fell out of her chair, another was stunned into silence.  So that’s been really cool.  (Also, because of our history, and the fact that I am not really showing yet, it has been an absolute shock to everyone we’ve told.  Mark that as one more upside to a decade of infertility.)

Onward and upward!

Embracing ordinary

Since my last update, we had a heartbeat check (normal), a blood test (I do NOT have any STDs—whooh!—still waiting on the AFP test, but we expect it will be normal), and another ultrasound (normal).  Yes, you read that correctly—everything looked completely and totally NORMAL.  Brain?  Normal.  Kidneys?  Normal.  Stomach?  Normal.  Heart?  Normal.  Spine?  Normal.  Head?  Normal?  Growth?  Normal.  In other words, normal, normal, normal.  The high-risk OB we met (yet another new doctor) was absolutely giddy to deliver the news.  She said something along the lines of, “I am excited to inform you that everything looks normal!”  When I asked what our chances were of having a healthy baby, she cut right to the chase, “your chances are the same as everyone else’s.”

Do you hear that?  We’re ordinary! Yay!!!!!  Obviously we’re not out of the woods yet, but unless something terrible happens, we’re having a baby.

Guilt by association (with my fetus)

As I approach the end of my first trimester (one more day!) I’ve started to feel an emotion that I have not previously experienced—guilt for our (accidental) success.  I have always been aware of the fact that I am very lucky to have one biological child.  I think I’ve expressed that feeling many times in this blog.  I have a number friends who were never able to have biological children, or who lost pregnancies that were very, very far along.  I am absolutely sensitive to the good fortune I have, whatever else I have been through.

But I’ve never felt guilty that I was able to have that child.  Lucky, absolutely.  Fortunate, you bet.  But never guilty.

With this new pregnancy, though, I have been feeling very guilty.  Partly I think it’s because it feels like a gift that was not earned.  (Maybe other women who find themselves accidentally pregnant but very excited about it feel the same way?)  And part of it stems from the fact that, for better or worse, I have become something of a fertility oracle (guru? know-it-all?) to a number of friends and family over the years.  It was painful for me to tell a family member—who has struggled with infertility (and chose not to pursue invasive procedures) and now, past 40, is very unlikely to have a biological child (or adoptive, as they may have waited too long to start the process)—that we were pregnant.  (I told her earlier than I would have preferred to make sure she did not hear it from someone else.)  During lunch the other day with a friend, she confided that she was not one and done by choice, and she felt sadness that her child would not have a sibling.  I felt sick telling her we found ourselves miraculously pregnant with number two.  At breakfast the other day, another friend told me how hard it was for her to send her youngest of two off to kindergarten this year and how she would love a third but her husband said no way.  I felt sick thinking about telling her that we sent our little one off to kindergarten but were probably going to get to experience it again.  Last week another friend called me and confided that his wife has had a series of miscarriages and they just found out that she has very low AMH.  He was asking advice about fertility doctors and procedures.  While I know they will be happy for us if things work out, I dread telling them while they are going through the process of fertility treatments.  It just feels so unfair.

Anyway, I have been feeling VERY guilty.  One way that guilt manifests itself is that I am having a hard time feeling joy.  Originally my joy was dampened by the fact that it seemed very unlikely to work out.  But at this point, while nothing is certain, the odds appear to be in our favor.  But I still cannot feel that joy, or, more accurately, I start to feel it and then feel really sad for the many close friends who don’t have what I have. 

We had a heart beat appointment on Monday.  160bpm—good.  And I’m 14 weeks on Thursday.  I keep telling my husband, we can talk about it like it’s real after that 20 week appointment.  Until then, I don’t want to talk about names, or make plans for childcare, or start re-acquiring things for a nursery.  But, it’s hard to entirely ignore what’s going on.  My belly is getting rounder (I am becoming an expert on dressing for work to conceal a pregnancy) and I’m spending time daydreaming about what life will be like if everything does work out.  I suppose this feeling of guilt is good in a way, it is a form of recognition of further luck and fortune, with a little bit of you-didn’t-earn-this-but-you-can-still-enjoy-it mixed in.  I hope it works out and I have the fortune of feeling guilty.