Thursday, June 4, 2015

Post D&E emotional struggles

It’s been two weeks since my surgery, and almost 3 weeks since my diagnosis. 

Things are not going well.

If you’d told me that three weeks after my diagnosis I’d still be crying hours a day, I wouldn’t have believed it.  The duration and depth of my emotional turmoil has been extremely unexpected and more than a little disturbing.  

Physically I’m doing fine.  My recovery from the surgery has been great.  I stopped taking the narcotics the day after the surgery, and after the first few days had just very minor spotting.  I have not had any pain, cramping, or anything like that.  

At my two-week post-surgical check-up today, though, the news was not great.  While the important things were good (cervix closed, uterus not in pain, no obvious signs of infection or remaining matter), I did get one bad piece of news—I’m still pregnant.  Not really, of course, buy my body still thinks I’m pregnant.  My doctor suggested most people should have a negative pregnancy test after two weeks, so that was unfortunate.  The good news is that most people who have a positive pregnancy test at 2 weeks go on to have a negative one at 3 weeks.  But it could also be a signal that there is some retained matter requiring a second surgery.  She suggested that because I did not have any symptoms, that was unlikely, but until I have that negative pregnancy test next week I should refrain from sex etc.  They took a blood sample just to check that my blood levels are not concerning-ly high, because in that case they would know there was retained material and schedule a second procedure now.  I haven’t gotten the results from the blood test, but I’m hoping no news is good news. [edit: my HCG is 29, which is good and low]

The other thing that is frustrating from a physical perspective is that I have lost less than a pound in two weeks.  I am somewhere between 10-15 pounds above my “ideal” pre-pregnancy weight.  I thought that at least a few of those would go away just from the surgery.  My stomach is definitely smaller than it was, but I feel like I’m just holding onto weight even though I’ve been eating less and exercising (lightly).  My doctor suggested that my body still feels pregnant, so it’s holding onto that weight / water.  She also said that they fill women full of water via IV during the surgery, and that my body is just retaining the water weight.  I think she was just telling me what I wanted to hear, as I was crying somewhat uncontrollably off and on during the appointment.

Emotionally… I’m a hot mess.  I thought I was doing better last week, but things are up and down.  Today was a particularly hard day.  Being back at the doctor’s office was really hard.  I was never one of those infertile women who had trouble being around pregnant women, but that has been hard for me the past few weeks, and there are lots of pregnant women at OB offices.  The last time I was at my doctor’s office was two weeks ago, starting the abortion process.  I had my post-operative check-up in the same room where I had the laminaria put it.  So, yea, I cried a lot at the doctor’s office today.

I also got fired.  Not from my job (thank God!), but for the first time in my entire career a client fired me.  I can’t say that it was solely because I was somewhat unavailable the last few weeks (there were apparently a lot of things at play, and it was a new relationship), but I am CERTAIN beyond a doubt that my struggles and unavailability played a part.  I’m very glad I was open with people at work (to a degree) about what was going on, but I now question if I should have told my clients as well.  In all honesty, if I’d known three weeks ago what I know now, I would have taken a month off of work.  It would have been hard, but I have been really, really struggling trying to keep things together, and I have not been very successful.   

Also, I have a really bad cold.  (Stupid suppressed immune system.)  I think the stress and physical toll just shot my already weakened immune system to hell.  So on top of everything else, I feel like a bag of hell… and I’m not getting much sleep.  

A friend suggested maybe I should join a grief support group, and if I feel this way in a few days I think that’s what I’m going to do.

I consider myself to be an emotionally strong and resilient person.  I’ve had five miscarriages, albeit early first trimester ones, and I’ve never struggled like this.  I wish I’d known what I was in for from an emotional perspective.  People warned me that I’d feel better, and then worse, for a long while, and I didn’t believe it.  I was wrong.

This has been so hard it’s making me really scared about trying to get pregnant again.  I don’t want to go through this ever again.

The one silver lining—because it’s important to look for some good in any bad situation—I have been really touched by all of the incredibly thoughtful things friends have done.  A friend recently found out what happened and insisted on bringing dinner over this week.  I tried to discourage her, and then this week ended up being so shitty and hard it was really nice.  When I have family and friends going through crappy times—because they happen—I’ll be much better equipped to do and say the right things (or at least the less wrong things).

My number one priority right now is to be a good mom to my kid.  Work, weight loss, all  that other shit can come later.

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