I was told that I would feel my second baby kick earlier than I felt the first one kick. I started feeling flutters at 13 weeks, but I wasn't sure if that was the baby or if I was just extra sensitive to belly rumblings. Around 15 weeks I became more certain that what I was feeling were the flutters of life growing inside of me. And then--amazingly--one day on my drive home from work 15 weeks in I felt what I was certain were baby movements. In fact, they were so strong I could actually feel them when I placed my hand on the outside of my belly. I was so happy and excited, and wished my husband could be there to feel it. At the time, of course, I thought it was only a matter of time before he got to experience those wonderous movements for himself.
He never did.
Strangely, that one magical day was the most active the baby ever was, as least according to my perceptions, even thought I carried her for two more weeks. After my diagnosis, I never really felt her move again. I wondered if that was because emotionally I did not want to feel her, or if she just was not moving. (At one point I suggested hopefully to my husband that maybe she had passed away naturally and that we were not going to have to choose to end her life. He pointed out that I hadn't felt her move on the day of our diagnosis ultrasound but she was bouncing all around.)
Although I am very sad thinking about what could have been (she could have been healthy! This was at least partially environmental!), today is the first day I can honestly say I feel some semblance of peace.
They say time heals all wounds. I will never "get over" this. Ever. But I know we made the right decision to terminate the pregnancy, and there is nothing I can do to change the fact that my much-wanted little girl had a fatal and incurable birth defect. And as my belly shrinks and my bleeding slows and those little flutters become more of a memory, I am more capable of taking joy in the things I have instead of being lost in the things I don't.
I'm so sorry
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