With my first birth, we used a doula, and I am so glad that we did—she was amazing! Unfortunately, she has retired. (That’s what happens when you “wait” 6+ years to have a second kiddo!) But I knew I wanted to use one again, so we started the process of looking for doulas. One woman we considered was my favorite maternity yoga instructor way back when, so we were excited when we interviewed her and loved her—hired!
She also does something cool. Like many other doulas, she partners with a number of other doulas who cover for each other in the off-chance that they can’t attend a client’s birth for one reason or another. In addition to that, though, the doulas collectively teach monthly classes so that you can get educated and meet the other doulas just in case your main doula can’t be there.
Last night, hubby and I went to our first class. The topic was “centering,” and the doula warned me that this would be less about education about the birth process and ways to make it more pleasant, and more about emotions about the birth/parenting/life process. That is NOT up hubby’s alley. He is a very level person, not someone prone to emotional swings. (I have only seen him cry two times: a few happy tears when our son was born, and then he sobbed when we got the anencephaly diagnosis.) Anyway, he was already a little leery about doing classes (“haven’t we already done this?”) but he’s nothing if not a good sport. So we met for a nice date night dinner and then went to the class.
There were 10 couples and 4 doulas. We were, by far, the oldest couple in the room. 7 of the 10 families were first-time parents, and most of the families appeared to be in their early 30s. (One woman my husband spoke to was in her mid-20s.) In addition to being the only Gen-X couple in a room full of Millennials, most of them appeared to be pretty “crunchy.” (If you hire a new-agey doula and meet up for “centering” birth classes, it suggests you might wear flannel and have a handlebar mustache!) Contrast that with my husband and me—we both came from work, and he was still wearing a suit. The first part of the class was easy (in theory): introductions, which included where you live and how you’re feeling about at that moment. When introductions started, most of the couples lived in urban areas, while we are from a suburb that has a reputation of being a bit hoity-toity. So I already felt a little out of place.
And then I started crying.
When the introductions started, people were supposed to say how they were feeling. Almost everyone said “excited!” or something along those lines. When it got to me, I was planning on saying “apprehensive,” but as I started to talk I just started bawling. I felt like a crazy person! I was the oldest soon-to-be mom there, I already had a living child, and yet I was the only one crying.
I knew I was anxious, but I had no idea how emotional I was feeling.
The evening’s exercises were, it turns out, right up my alley. They had you write down negative things you’re thinking relating to yourself, your birth, and your (future) parenting, and then they had your partner say them to you over and over. Hearing my husband call me selfish was harsh! But the point was made—why are we so hard on ourselves when we know no one else ever would judge us that way? Then we reworded them to make them positive (selfish => good at focusing on my needs too). Then our partner says the positive thing to us over and over. Then we say the bad thing to ourselves over and over. (How does it make you feel? Not great.) Then we say the nice thing over and over. (How does it make you feel? Good!) The point being, we are too hard on ourselves, and if we change our internal narrative from the negative to the positive, it can actually make us (and our tiny passengers!) go from feeling bad/stressed to good/happy.
The next exercise was for us to walk around the room, meet a stranger, and then say “who are you?” and ask no other questions. Then we had to make eye contact while they talked for a minute. It was actually really awkward/nice. I got hugs from both of my strangers.
After it was over, we wrote our “intention” for the labor/delivery/baby on a tree and wrapped it with a ribbon. Ours was “it will be okay.”
Then it was over. Woah! That was intense. The doulas loved my show of emotion—they said it gave other people in the room permission to be more “real.” I think that might be true. When the training was over, we ended up talking to a couple of the different couples. One told us that, while they were 37 weeks pregnant with their first, they had struggled for 4 years with undiagnosed endometriosis, so they definitely related to the pain of infertility. Another couple, pregnant with their second, told us they tried for over a year and were not sure it was going to happen. One of the doulas (who also gave me a hug—hugs all around!) told us that she lost one of her pregnancies when the baby was full term. Devastating. (She has 3 healthy kiddos.)
All in all, it might have been some “hippy dippy bologna,” but I really needed it!
Interesting topic. very cool.
ReplyDelete