Scheduling my abortion

Sometimes life feels so cruel and so unfair.... This is one of those times. If you asked me this morning how I'd be spending my afternoon, "scheduling my abortion" wouldn't exactly have rolled off my tongue. But, life throws us curveballs, no?

Things had been going great. I started to feel some pretty strong movements at 15 weeks. I was showing and telling people at work. I had a normal 16 week appointment, and my husband and I were debating when to tell our son about his new baby sister. (Hubby wanted to do it this weekend.)

Then, over lunch today, I got a call from my OB's office. Message was that there was an "abnormal" result on our AFP blood test. I was worried, of course, but not frantic. I'd been told the test delivered a lot of false positives. But I called back right away and the doctor was clearly very concerned. She indicated that false positives were common, but usually for women with multiples or wrong due dates. Clearly neither applied to us. She left open the very slight possibility that there was a lab error or I had some kind of tumor (strange to hope for cancer) but suggested I should be prepared for the very large possibility that something was seriously wrong.

Apparently the AFP (alpha fetoprotein) test measures fetal proteins in your blood. A high level can indicate very wrong, such as spina bifida or anencephaly (partially formed brain).  It can also be an indicator for chromosomal abnormalities.

http://www.webmd.com/baby/alpha-fetoprotein-afp-in-blood

Obviously I was scared after the conversation with my OB. She wanted to get me in for a level 2 ultrasound ASAP, but seeing as how it was Friday afternoon and one was not available, she suggested a basic ultrasound first, which would at least show if something was seriously wrong. I tried (unsuccessfully) not to worry too much, but spent the next hour reading about spine bifida and anencephaly and false positives on AFP tests.

The ultrasound was bad. The technician was silent when she started, but even I could see on the screen that things were not good. I said, "if you see something bad, you can tell us." She said, "I do." And then pointed to the obvious place where the top of the baby's head should have been. It was missing. The baby was otherwise totally healthy. Measuring normally, Bouncing all around. (I did feel her move.) But she had no brain.

We cried for a long time.

The doctor confirmed it. The baby has anencephaly. Sometime between weeks 5 and 6, our otherwise healthy baby's neural tube did not close at the brain. The doctor said our AFP measurement was 11.82 multiples off the median--the highest she'd ever seen. And the ultrasound confirmed that our little girl was missing most of her brain and was going to die sometime between now and soon after birth. There is no cure. There is no hope.

And whatever caused it is not (entirely?) genetic, it's environmental. Not a lack of folic acid for me--I'm on a double dose of folic acid. I pressed, what caused this? What could I have done differently? She cautioned, don't blame yourself. But then she did ask, did you have a fever? Were you in a hot tub? Diabetes? Of course the answer is no to all of the risk factors, and yet here we are.

Because anencephaly is fatal, the next step was easy for us. We want to terminate as soon as possible. Because I'm so far along, only a few doctors will even do the abortion. And apparently it's a bit of a scary and dangerous process. But we found someone and are going to start (it's also a multi day process) next Wednesday. The doctor gave us some idea of what we are in for, but I just don't want to think about that now.

So we're at home now, grieving. Getting ready to abort a much-wanted and already loved baby girl at 17weeks.