Saturday, May 23, 2015

The girl who eats her feelings

I thought I would make it through yesterday without crying.  I was wrong.  I rested all day and was feeling good.  After my little guy was in bed, though, I just couldn't hold it together and I had a good (bad?) cry.

My doctor said that many people suffer a hormone drop about 2 days after the surgery (so for me, today) and that I shouldn't be surprised if I'm particularly emotional.  So I wasn't planning on making it through today without crying.  I don't know if it's just because I expected to be emotional, or if it's the first day that I was not focused on the surgery or other things, but today was a hard day.  I definitely was feeling more upset/angry/sad.  

My biggest feeling now is that no one understands what I'm going through.  (My husband is close, but even he has not had to deal with all of the physical bullshit I have.)  I'm not trying to suggest that I have suffered more than anyone else, and I am well aware that there are far bigger tragedies going on all over the world.  But the people around me have not experienced even a fraction of the shit that we have (ectopic pregnancy, years of infertility, five rounds of IVF, four miscarriages, and then terminating a pregnancy ay 17 weeks due to fetus having anencephaly).  I wouldn't wish my trials on anyone else, of course.  But people really do not understand.  And having someone act like they do (we went through infertility too!  I had an abortion in my twenties!  I had a [first trimester] miscarriage!) just really stings.  It's taking all of my energy not to respond to friends--who are really trying to help--by saying YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT.  So that's how I'm feeling now.  YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT.

My second thread of emotions swirls around the feeling that I've reached my emotional limit.  If we did not have four frozen embryos, I would happily be done trying to have a second child.  I've spent my thirties trying to get pregnant.  I've given up my body, my hobbies, my time, my money, my happiness....  Okay, before I go off the deep end, I would go through everything we've been through, and more, to have my one wonderful little boy.  I am SO happy that we have our one perfect little guy.  But there's not a lot left in me to keep going for a second kid.

Right now I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  I'm crying and eating sweets and having a glass of wine.  (I didn't drink the day of surgery or the day after, but I've been off my narcotics for over 24 hours and the one benefit of not being pregnant anymore is the freedom to drink.)  The fact that, on top of everything else, I have ten pounds to lose, is a problem that will be solved another day.

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