Predictions

Okay, my blood test is tomorrow—16dpo.  (It should have been 14dpo—2 days ago—but no blood testing at my clinic on the weekend.)  I know I had enough HCG in my blood test to get a positive pregnancy result on a pregnancy test 13dpo.  But, that’s just the first of many steps.  I’ve had enough HCG in my blood to have a positive pregnancy result at least six times—my ectopic pregnancy, my first (pre-IVF) miscarriage, my son, my blighted ovum, my post-IVF miscarriage (chemical pregnancy), and my anencephaly pregnancy.  And only one of those resulted in a healthy child.  Sooooo, yea, getting a positive pregnancy test is just the first step for me.

NOW, if I get a good HCG number tomorrow, we’re on to something.  I’ve only had 2-3 strong HCG numbers—my son, my blighted ovum (and it was not that strong of a number), and my anencephaly pregnancy.  My pregnancy losses have tended to be very early, with low HCG numbers, so if we pass THAT hurdle we’ll be cooking.  I already have in my mind a number I’d like to see (my son was 480 on 16dpo—I’d be THRILLED to see that number), although because I had a slow-developing frozen embryo I recognize that its numbers could be a little lower and it could still be viable.  

I know I did not have measureable HCG in my urine on 11dpo… or do I?  I’ve proven I’m incapable of following the directions for HPTs.  After my 13dpo debacle, I fished the 11dpo pregnancy test out of the garbage.  There were two lines.  (The second one was faint, but there.)  Since you’re not supposed to read the results after 10 minutes…. I suspect that means you’re REALLY not supposed to read the lines after 5 days.  So who knows.  (I’ve read that “Some kits improve in detection when read after a wait of 10 minutes, but waiting longer than that may produce a negative result that looks faintly, misleadingly positive” http://www.cbsnews.com/news/the-best-pregnancy-tests/)

I still don’t FEEL pregnant, regardless of whether I have some measurable amount of HCG.  (Still no sore boobs, dammit!)  But, on the evening of 13dpo, I did have some spotting.  At first I freaked out until I remembered—implantation bleeding!  So that was a good sign.  

A friend said something very kind recently.  After I told her that my doc thinks we produce a large number of genetically abnormal (though chromosomally normal) embryos, she suggested that meant that my lower quality embryos might have the same chance of success as my better quality ones.  That was a good point.  And, indeed, now it appears that my lower quality one is doing better than the better quality ones.  (Although maybe that’s because of my thicker lining or Medrol?)  BUT, I have to keep reminding myself, if it’s true that we produce a large number of genetically abnormal embryos, the fact that we have a chromosomally normal embryo that is implanting does not insulate us from failure.  In other words, I might still be fucked.

Anyway, what are my predictions?  It’s VERY hard to be optimistic in this situation, but the fact that I have gotten a positive HPT result and had some implantation bleeding is encouraging.  Right now I give this a 50/50 shot at best.  If I get a good number tomorrow… well depending on how good… I’ll revise my prediction.  If I get a bad number, well, depending on how bad that might answer the question.

There IS a silver lining, whether this fails or succeeds.  I was fretting last week that maybe something happened to the frozen embryos and that it was a lab issue—what are the chances that I would have so many failures??  But now that this seems to be at least progressing a little bit, it’s hard to believe it’s been caused by my lab.  It’s just my shit embryos.  I won’t have to look back and worry that I should have done something else.