Today would have been my due date

We’ve all done it—sometime during the IVF period, we figure out when our “due date” would be if everything works out.  Will I have a summer maternity leave?  Will my kid be the oldest or youngest in their class?  Maybe you even count backwards and figure out when you’ll tell family and friends.  I’ll be 12 weeks around Thanksgiving, I’ll announce it to the family then.  I’ll be 18 weeks in December, far enough along to let people know in my Christmas letter.

I always figure out my due date when I know when my transfer date is going to be.  (Here’s a good one to use to figure out a due date for a 5-day transfer: http://www.ivf.ca/fet5dayduedate.php)  I’ve had 6 transfers.  Six theoretical due dates.  If I get a positive pregnancy result and my numbers look good, I might even put a little star on my calendar.  (Three times I’ve had “good” numbers: (1) my son; (2) my blighted ovum; and (3) my anencephaly pregnancy.  All of those got stars on the calendar.  Twice the stars were later erased.)

Today would have been my due date.  If things had worked out, maybe she would have been born already. Maybe I’d be exhausted and covered in spit-up and I’d be able to be happy for everything I have been through because it had to work out in exactly that way for her to be my child.  Or maybe I’d still be pregnant, swollen and uncomfortable and bursting with excitement to meet her, hoping she was not born on Halloween. 

But things did not work out, so here I am.  Starting another cycle, without any of the optimism I once brought to this process.  Except I did calculate my due date… just in case….