Sunday, April 30, 2017


Yesterday was the last day of National Infertility Awareness Week.  It was also the one year anniversary of the day we found out that our final pregnancy had ended and our dream of having another child was over.

I reflected that April, and particularly the end of April, tended to be a rough time for us, at least since we started trying to have a child.  We’d been doing fertility treatments pretty constantly for the last few years, and had more than a few unpleasant events, so it’s not surprising that our Aprils included some bad news.  Of course they were not all bad, but did tend to be, well, kinda bad….

·        On this day April 2009 – We had just started TTC, and I was very newly pregnant but did not know it.  A few weeks later I would Google “ectopic pregnancy” for the first, but not last, time.

·        On this day April 2010 – I was cleared to try getting pregnant again, and was in the process of measuring my basil body temperature, doing acupuncture, and taking lots of failed pregnancy tests.  After a miscarriage at the beginning of 2010, I would start seeing a fertility doctor in September.

·        On this day April 2011 – I was in the midst of my first IVF stim cycle, with a transfer in May.

·        On this day April 2012 – I was hanging out with my new baby.

·        On this day April 2013 – I was hanging out with my 1yo baby.

·        On this day April 2014 – I was at the end of the 2WW of my second IVF cycle.  I would end up pregnant, but there would be no heartbeat at the 6 week appointment.

·        On this day April 2015 – We were 14 weeks pregnant, but would find out a couple weeks later our baby had anencephaly.

·        On this day April 2016 – 1 year ago yesterday, after heartbreaking 12w appointment where we found out our little one was very, very sick, we found out she had passed away.  With her died my dream of having a second child.

Fortunately, the cessation of fertility treatments/pregnancy attempts appears to have given us a reprieve and, I am happy to report, we had a lovely month and particularly nice day yesterday.


  1. I found your blog while googling prednisone and recurrent loss - I'm so sorry for all you've been through. It's hard when you feel like your life is a study in tragedy and shitty things happening.

    I've had 4 losses - including two around 20 weeks in April and November of last year. I'm nearing the end of my attempts to build my family and it's comforting to know there can still be peace found when ending your fertility with devastating losses. Is there anything is particular that helped you?

    1. I'm so so sorry for your losses, and absolutely know what it feels like to feel like a study in tragedy and shitty things happening.

      A friend has had a number of unexplained second trimester losses, and started seeing a doctor specializing in recurrent loss:

      My friend has felt much more in control (and calls the Doc "the shit"). So maybe that would be worth a try?

      For me, strenuous exercise really helped. I think it was the endorphins plus the feeling of taking my body back. Also, I have some friends who have had similar struggles, so talking to people who understood helped. And (funny enough!) reading people's blogs helped--it made me feel like I wasn't so alone and demonstrated people get through it.

      Good luck! It will be okay, eventually. I'm sure of it.

    2. I have heard of that doctor! I'm actually doing a consult with Braverman at the end of next month, but am very skeptical. Anyone who acts like immunology is the #1 answer all the time for every loss is suspicious, in my book.

      I love that your friend recommend her! As I'm sure you can relate, it's all a juggle of deciding how much time, money, effort, and medications I want to throw at something that *might* end in a baby (and if I'm looking at my history, very low chance in that). Sigh.

      YES to strenuous exercise - it also helps shed the stupid pregnancy weight. :-/ (I trained for a half marathon that was on the first anniversary of giving birth to my baby who died last April. Which ended up getting cancelled after 9 miles because of lightning, ha. But the exercise was good!)

      I need to find more blogs like yours of people get what this is like - all of my loss friends are TTC their 'rainbow' baby and only 1 is moving on after their losses. Thanks for responding. <3

    3. How did the consult go? I have heard of Dr B and was also very skeptical. Did you contact the other doc?

    4. My phone call with him is next Wednesday. I'm like 90% sure I won't believe what he says, but I feel like consulting all options and getting more eyes on my case.

      I didn't contact Mary Stephenson - tbh, I'm not sure I'm up for flying to Chicago a couple of times for a *chance* at another child. To spend all that time and money and effort only to have another heartbreaking loss would be harder than to trust what the MFMs have told me so far about it being the babies with the issues and not me. I have met with 3 MFMs now, with a 4th scheduled for next month - she specializes in analyzing fetal death.

      I feel SO much better 7 months out from my last loss. Much more stable than I ever thought possible. (Still stings when I hear about people having a million kids with no issues.)

      Anyway. Thanks. <3

    5. Hey, I just had my consult with Dr. B and whew. It was

      Lots of crazy talk, but the most offensive was the threat that a future child will have special needs due to a complicated pregnancy if I don't get treatment from him. Like, if that does ever happen I will now blame myself, thanks, doc!

      "Don't get pregnant till I see you. You will have another miscarriage if you do."
      I appreciate his outside the boxness, but he's kinda delegitimizing himself with this talk.

      Part of me is like "Why did I get his voice in my head! Now I will always worry." and the other part is like "Yeah but he seemed a little smarmy and fear-mongering, which makes it easier to dismiss him."

      Now I almost want to contact that woman at IL! (I have an addiction where I like to collect doctors opinions. :-P)

    6. You cannot put any stock into what a snake oil salesman says. If I were you, I'd try to talk to the IL doc. My friend (a doctor herself) speaks very highly of her.

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